I wish I could be happy again, even if it’s just for one full day. I hate this feeling of sadness, doom and gloom, and dread all the time. I breakout crying for no reason and at all times of the day or night. I just can’t stop it. I wish I could get some sign of hope. I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m even trying to say, just saying I guess.
I guess my divorce is final. Been crying all day thinking about how much of a fuckup I am and how I hurt my one true love. I’ve been wearing my wedding ring, but I guess it’s time to take it off. I wish my ex-wife the best and hope she has a very happy life. At the same time though, I will always hold that slim hope of us being together again, as I know with all my heart she is my last love.
Yes, that’s how I’m feeling, paralyzed. I can’t seem to get anything done, like calls, cleaning, packing, anything. I’m so fucking stressed, shaky, crying, and heart pounding all the time. I need someone to talk to about this and maybe help by pushing me. I don’t know. I feel like I”m completely falling apart. breaking down. Please
Went out today to see if I could find any homes that were for sale by owner that aren’t listed online, but once again, nothing. I did drive by one house that I saw online that said owner financing, but the place was so small I doubt my bed would even fit in the house, and they were asking fucking $69,000 just because there’s a lake across the road.
So, after striking out again I drove along the shores of the Keweenaw to try and enjoy myself a bit. It worked at times, but mostly not, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying for no reason. I so love taking photos and trying new techniques in doing so, but it’s been so very hard to do lately.
I’m trying to go through some of my photos from today, but I don’t know, I’m still shaky and just not feeling well, maybe if I try eating something.
Update: Slowly adding more photos.
Well, I did get something done today…I mowed the back yard, had to do something and not just sit. My plan, as of earlier this week, was to mow what I did, then get the orchard part done as it hasn’t been mowed in about a month and has just about gone back to wild. I can’t do the orchard part, it’s too hot and I just can’t stop fucking shaking. At 11:30am it’s already 85°F with a heat index of fucking 94°F and rising. So fuck it, nothing more I can do but try to keep cool and continue to search online for some fucking ass place to live. I wish I could stop shaking though, it scares me.
Update: Temp is up to 88°F and heat index of 97°F. I’ve tried to sit back to stay cool, but this feeling of dread overwhelms me. I’m fucking scared, really really scared.