I wish I could be happy again, even if it’s just for one full day. I hate this feeling of sadness, doom and gloom, and dread all the time. I breakout crying for no reason and at all times of the day or night. I just can’t stop it. I wish I could get some sign of hope. I don’t know, I don’t know what I’m even trying to say, just saying I guess.
I guess my divorce is final. Been crying all day thinking about how much of a fuckup I am and how I hurt my one true love. I’ve been wearing my wedding ring, but I guess it’s time to take it off. I wish my ex-wife the best and hope she has a very happy life. At the same time though, I will always hold that slim hope of us being together again, as I know with all my heart she is my last love.
Yes, that’s how I’m feeling, paralyzed. I can’t seem to get anything done, like calls, cleaning, packing, anything. I’m so fucking stressed, shaky, crying, and heart pounding all the time. I need someone to talk to about this and maybe help by pushing me. I don’t know. I feel like I”m completely falling apart. breaking down. Please
Went out today to see if I could find any homes that were for sale by owner that aren’t listed online, but once again, nothing. I did drive by one house that I saw online that said owner financing, but the place was so small I doubt my bed would even fit in the house, and they were asking fucking $69,000 just because there’s a lake across the road.
So, after striking out again I drove along the shores of the Keweenaw to try and enjoy myself a bit. It worked at times, but mostly not, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying for no reason. I so love taking photos and trying new techniques in doing so, but it’s been so very hard to do lately.
I’m trying to go through some of my photos from today, but I don’t know, I’m still shaky and just not feeling well, maybe if I try eating something.
Update: Slowly adding more photos.
Well, I did get something done today…I mowed the back yard, had to do something and not just sit. My plan, as of earlier this week, was to mow what I did, then get the orchard part done as it hasn’t been mowed in about a month and has just about gone back to wild. I can’t do the orchard part, it’s too hot and I just can’t stop fucking shaking. At 11:30am it’s already 85°F with a heat index of fucking 94°F and rising. So fuck it, nothing more I can do but try to keep cool and continue to search online for some fucking ass place to live. I wish I could stop shaking though, it scares me.
Update: Temp is up to 88°F and heat index of 97°F. I’ve tried to sit back to stay cool, but this feeling of dread overwhelms me. I’m fucking scared, really really scared.
I wish someone would call me, I feel so lost and don’t know what to do.
Not bothering to go to bed tonight, I don’t sleep anyway all I do is nap. Also it’s too fucking hot to sleep.
That’s really all I have. Fuck everything. Those are my feelings. At some point soon, there’s a very good chance I’ll be homeless. Without a home, I have no job, without a job, I can’t have a home, so fuck it. To top that shit off, Grizwald had a very bad day yesterday. He shit 5 times in the house, and I don’t think he even knew what was happening, it just happened. He seems better today. Of course I haven’t slept, all I’ve done is cry, so fuck it. Grizwald’s time might be near, as mine could be to. Fuck it. I will carry on today as normal, work and go grocery shopping at lunch time, why, I have no idea. I might go out for a drive Sunday just to get out of the house. Wish I could take the boys with me, but Giz can’t travel at all.
I can’t type any more, my chest hurts and I’m shaking too much.
Fuck it all
Today, one year ago, marks the start of the worst year in my life, and it seems to only be getting worse. There have been times of hope, but all those to have deflated. I hope this year will be better, but it to isn’t looking very promising.
My plains for today are/were to get out and try to enjoy myself, but it’s going to be some damn hot again, into the 90’s, that it’s not good for the Jeep on trails and the bugs are out in force with the heat. I still might go, just don’t know. Also I haven’t slept well in days, weeks really due to the heat and all the crap running through my head.
I don’t know, I just don’t know what to do about anything right now.