I drove to Houghton then north through most all of the Keweenaw today looking for a house. Nothing, not a fucking thing. I did look at a few. I’ll be driving around again Sunday in other directions to look. Today I did at least stop at a couple spots to take some photos, but really wasn’t into it much, and I even brought most all my gear. Not feeling well really, I’m sure not eating doesn’t help. Just about every time I get upset, which is often, I have pains in my chest then I feel throbbing in my head. They don’t seem to last long. I just fucking lost on what to do. I can get money, but it’s not enough. I keep thinking if I only had the balls to off Giz and Eli, and then myself. There’s no way I could leave them alone. I have to stop now, I hurt.
I have to move out of the only real place I have felt at home. I love it here. I have looked and looked for a rental, or even a super cheap place to buy, but my credit is shit. Most rentals don’t allow dogs, and anything I can afford you can even see the mold and shit in the pictures. I cry all day long, really I’ve been crying for a year now, but at least before recently I had a little hope. All that hope is gone, and the way I feel so am I. For days now I’ve been on the phone and web continuously trying to either get some money or asking about a rental. I haven’t eaten either, just don’t feel like it. The dogs are always hanging really close to me, especially Grizwald, he knows and Eli lays down behind my chair. I keep telling them I’m sorry and that I don’t know what to do. I guess I was wrong the other day in a post about caring.
Tomorrow I’m taking the day off and going for a drive, maybe I’ll see a house somewhere, I have to, or maybe a tree.
Edit: I was just looking on Facebook, and don’t enjoy that much now, so maybe I’m done with that to.
Also, to top all this off, I feel like the best friend I’ve ever had is slipping away.
Got a few things done today, but didn’t work all that hard, sort of a relaxing day really. I am planning to take tomorrow off to get out and into the woods.
One thing that has bugged me for quite some time is where a burn barrel was. It was right out on the main side lawn and stuck out like a sore thumb. So, I moved it…at last.
I’ll update this post with more lilac photos.
I have no idea what these are. They have a stem sort of like snake grass, but smooth it’s whole length and the flower is similar to clover. The leaf is similar to the stem.
Update – These are wild Chives. Time for a baked potato! 🙂
I was going to go out and about today, but it’s free ORV, fishing, state park, and everything else day. The normally quiet trails will be busy today, so the hell with it. I’m thinking of taking tomorrow off from work to get out, I badly need to get out from the house, the only time I’ve left is to go grocery shopping in the past 3 weeks.
Oh well, I have a pretty good list of things that need doing around the house anyway.
It’s a damp and overcast Sunday, would be a great day for a drive in the woods to look for wildflowers. That’s not going to happen, no money and not enough gas. It’s been over 2 weeks since I’ve been out of the house besides going to the grocery store. Hopefully by this next payday I’ll be about to start getting out of this negative money hole.
I could work on the garage today to get the shop in order, but then again, I think why bother. I would love to start building things again, it’s been so long. I have a number of ideas for a lot of the great barn wood, some would be a little tough without a plainer, but there are work arounds to get it done without one.
I really do love it here.
Some random photos of the Apple Orchard after it has been mowed. The photos really don’t show how great it looks, almost like a park. As you can see though, many of the trees are not blooming this year, and I have no idea why. I would love to trim a few of them (they all need it), but it’s one hell of a lot of work, and I just don’t know how long I’ll be here. 🙁
It’s the weekend and I’m starting it off with very little sleep, too much on my mind I guess. I don’t have anything planned, though I sure would like to get out and about maybe Sunday, but I really don’t have the money, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I guess I don’t have much to say, just feeling lost and to be honest, I’m scared shitless.